If the England Squad Were Techies

That’s right. International football is back, and that means it’s time for another Oho Group tech/football crossover special.

This time, we’re asking the question that crosses so many football fans’ minds: what on earth would the England players do if they weren’t footballers? 

Peter Crouch once famously gave the best answer possible to this question, but we think there’s other options. 

Perhaps, if Southgate ditched the waistcoat in favour of Zuckerberg-style slacks and trainers, this squad might have the makings of a decent tech start-up. (Given their performances in the group and against Slovakia, they probably ought to give it serious consideration.)

So, without further ado, let’s take a look through the squad and find out what each player would do if they ever had to enter the world of technology.

1. Jordan Pickford: Project Manager

Pickford doesn’t really do all that much, to be honest, besides shouting at other people. He’ll tell you that’s called “organising” and it’s what makes him good at his job, but deep down we all know he just doesn’t want to take the gloves off and get his hands dirty.

2. Kyle Walker: Verification Engineer

Walker has what’s right locked down.

3. Luke Shaw: Technical Support

Luke Shaw is very rarely seen; he’s left offsite, offshore if you will, and doesn’t tend to train with the main team. Dealing with stuff that’s constantly broken would probably suit him.

4. Declan Rice: Compiler Engineer

Rice is the unsung hero of this team, the central component that knits the whole thing together and gets the defence talking to the attack. Without him, nothing would work.

5. John Stones and 6. Marc Guehi: Cybersecurity Analysts

It’s not flashy, but these guys do a very important job keeping the rest of us safe and secure. The last line of defence, so to speak. 

7. Bukayo Saka: Senior Front End Engineer

Makes things happen on the front end. Like all the best engineers, though, he’s also done his time on the back end.

8. Trent Alexander-Arnold: Junior lion tamer

Wait, what? Why does a tech company need a lion tamer? It feels a bit like he’s being played out of position?

9. Harry Kane: Head of Engineering

The leader. The big boss. Capable of doing absolutely everything, but for some reason, doesn’t.

10. Jude Bellingham: Senior Full Stack Engineer

That’s more like it. Not as senior as Harry, and doesn’t have an official leadership role, but this is the guy that both can, and does, do absolutely everything. 

11. Phil Foden: ASIC Design Engineer

Foden has an incredible toolkit, but is he too much of a specialist? The key to his success will be designing a system that gets the best out of him, and gets him working effectively with those around him. Electric on his day, though.

12. Kieran Trippier: Trapeze artist

I mean he’s impressive, sure, but like the lion tamer I can’t help but feel he’s in the wrong place?

13. Aaron Ramsdale: Product Owner

Ramsdale does basically the same thing as Pickford, but with differences. Those who know their stuff will tell you those differences are obvious and significant; those who don’t will just view him as an inferior version.

14. Ezri Konsa and 15. Lewis Dunk: QA Engineers

We apparently need a few of these for some reason but their work is pretty behind-the-scenes. We’ll only ever see it if something goes horribly wrong (like, for example, Marc Guehi getting suspended).

16. Conor Gallagher: Intern

He will run about the office like a madman trying to find some work to do, but ultimately, the CEO just can’t find the right role for him and keeps inexplicably getting his lion tamer mate in to do the same jobs instead.

17. Ivan Toney: Data Scientist

A man with a singular obsession for data, probabilities, the thrill of the numbers game. I’d wager there’s nobody better. 

18. Anthony Gordon, 19. Ollie Watkins,  20. Jarrod Bowe and 21. Eberechi Eze: Electronics Engineers

Any of these guys could be the key to completing the circuit and making sparks fly, but the CEO keeps picking software engineers and the Head of Engineering instead.

22. Joe Gomez: Developer-in-Test

No-one really knows exactly what he does, but he’s basically a more versatile version of Konsa and Dunk, right?

23. Dean Henderson: Programme Manager

See 13. Aaron Ramsdale.

24. Cole Palmer: Rust Developer

Everyone knows that he’s the future, but the CEO isn’t quite ready to commit to him yet.

25. Adam Wharton and 26. Kobbie Mainoo: Animatronic Robotics Engineers

If we absolutely insist on having a lion involved, I can’t help but feel like one of these guys would be a better, more modern alternative to continually getting a lion tamer in?